Originally posted June 11, 2010, for KVOE.com “What’s On My Plate.”


Of all the ways to improve a marriage, I may have stumbled onto one of the strangest on Memorial Day.

Last month, and I don’t remember how the conversation started, we started discussing the Better Marriage Blanket. Specifically, we discussed the commercial for said product, which is apparently making the rounds now on TV.

Since we were on vacation, I decided to wait until officially resuming work to YouTube the video. Somebody had to post something of this magnitude.

I got home from work June 1, waited for the lunchtime madness to subside, warmed up the computer and typed in the words “better marriage blanket.” Over 60 entries popped up. I chose the 61-second video at the top of the page.

The video starts with a couple snoozing in bed. It actually reminds me to a degree of the Craftmatic adjustable bed advertisements that ran rampant in the 1980s and 1990s – and then this bluish-green cloud rises from the bottom of the screen to start the ad.

“It’s the problem…that nobody wants to talk about,” the announcer intones.

You know exactly what has happened. Hubby has just, um, fouled the air.

“Maybe that’s why they call it silent but deadly.”

Man, has this ad gone wrong in a hurry.

But, in the immortal parlance of informercials everywhere, wait. There’s more. Much more.

Immediately, the announcer launches into a solution. Not only does the Better Marriage Blanket look like normal covers, but it also has activated carbon fibers to absorb the smells produced from “a health issue or the occasional disagreeable meal.”

It is, after all, the same kind of fabric “used by the military to protect against chemical weapons.”

Can this get stranger? Yes. On top of it all, it allegedly makes a great wedding or anniversary gift.

And your satisfaction is guaranteed. Of course.

It is entirely too difficult to make this up.

I’ll admit this has the potential to sell a lot of goods. Goodness knows, it may start rivaling the dreaded Snuggie for attention – the ad has potential as a cult classic – and even sales.

Some marriages may see mild improvement after a purchase of the Better Marriage Blanket, but I doubt it will help some of the other issues that may be putting a marriage on the rocks.

I’m sorry, but I’m not paying three easy installments of $39.95 to secure a better marriage. I can get flowers and chocolates for a lot less than that. More importantly, I can listen better and anticipate more effectively.

That would do the trick. Guaranteed.